22-07-2022

alone

this week i've finally took the courage to get out of my house door (18 july)

like everytime i try it i'm very stressed about it, i was almost giving up, and last time i had tried (excluding the 2 years i've returned to school failing, that for me is more doing a task, i feel it different even if actually majorly stressful as require me to be social) was 2018.
i'm not used to go out alone so i had a mental map (digital and paper map) in case something would gone wrong while going at the local park;

it went well!

in the elevator i was already ready to run away and curling behind the door like a scared hedgehog, but the thought of boiling inside my room because of heatwave getting bored made me walk.
in the street my brain already started to fry, feeling tiny playing with bracelets for calming down, forgetting where i wanted to go, staring the asphalt for not meet strangers eyes, crossing the 2 large intersections afraid of cars
outside was quite cold windy fortunately, it was 10 am so was way colder than pomeridian, even if was actually burning my skin 38 c° under the sun;
so hot and dry because of low rain that trees have fallen leaves like in autummn, so weird.
when arrived at the park it felt like a paradise, finally some shadow, i've found a bench but when sitting i've touched pine resin , very nice.
now i was at least perfuming of pine like one of my fav soap lol, fortunately a fountain was near and got refreshed

i've sit for some minutes on a bench for resting, but after the resin break that got me occupied, my brain continued anyway to overwhelm my thoughts with negative stuff;
i know that isn't real but the past memories just make me believe that everyone stare at me judging, whispering in secret, hating, waiting for the next failure; so i tried to do look around and thinking normally, why would a stranger do that, it have no motivations, it have no logic sense, this helped a bit after years of mental work.

the park was nice that day, my favorite time even if dangerous is when rains especially thunderstorms, that place magical during autumn:

the cold rain on the umbrella, the muddy gravel paths full of big puddles, the silence and loneliness just the sound of the rain, the empty trees and the wild chestnuts on the floor, the gray clody sky and the dense ghostly fog, the grass wet by frost.

i used to do that path everyday for school and for biblioteque because is the shortest, i miss regularly walking there.

after staying at the entrace i went at left, the park is quite big and have more paths, the right one bring to 4 fountains and a villa, the middle one is the shortest for go at the end of the park, the one i used for school and library, the left one have more trees and brings to another attached park more dedicated to sports like football, volleyball, also yearly events

at the park i've seen some squirrels they are so cute, one of them have got something to eat big like a baseball ball but i was far so i don't know what it was, jumping inthe grass from tree to tree
there wasn't a lot of flowers and the few was quite dry, the trees had a lot of resin that look like perfumed melting glass sparkling in the light
i had my camera with me so i've taken quite a lot of photos, even if i was nervous doing photography is a hobby that help to relax and have fun, while keeping some memories framed in the time, also since now have a camera i don't use the phone for shooting photos

at the end of the walk i went to supermarket with my mom for help her with the bags, i walked and stayed in the park for 1 hour alone, deciding where i loved to go, what to see, when to rest and when return;

i was relaxed, not totally but enough to thinking to do it again
in 2018 when i finished the same walk i was shivering, hyperventilating, calling my family at phone for rescue me from a panic attack, totally lost with dizziness and crying in public, it was a nightmare because felt i was dying, super embarassing
this time i was happy i couldn't wait for return there no matter the temperature, done phone call and returned alone to meet her while enjoying the atmosphere

the next day (19 july) i went out again at 10 am but my brain felt more light, i could enjoy my walk (aside the intersections, even with stops i will never trust running cars especially in my zone)
i've even stopped a moment outside the window of the bakery for look at the fascinating fairies and dragons exposed figures, they're so damn cool
i went in the right direction of the park this time but there was no shadows, also the fountains was closed with no water, a cute caramel colored dog run near me i wish i could pet it
so went straight and again at left, sitting in a bench under a tree with the floor full of green stuff that pigeons and crows was eating, one of them sit near my shoe lol fluffy loaf shaped birb;
i've stayed there for minutes after leaving for home alone, i got goosebumps and felt stared a few times but nothing compared to the last 2 experiences.

this is making me think about the future again, what will happen, if it will happen.

on the social part i've made barely/no progress, but leaving home i never thought i could do it
last years after failing again school due daily anxiety attacks and leaving it for the third time at the start of pandemic in february 2020 i had lost hope, all i used to do for 2 years was going at school, staying at school, returning home, sleep and repeat
i used to do nothing but that, also insecurity about body and gender growing daily
yes at least my hate toward humanity decreased as my current classmates wasn't bullies a######s but actually nice people i could sometimes spent time together but still barely talked (mostly stuttering or "mute" words) and made no friend, i felt alone and distant from normal persons, like i shouldn't been there and bothering everyone

but now i can made it reality maybe instead of dreaming of leaving home, going at supermarket alone, walking outside, doing regular things indipendently, going ouside of my neighbourhood for the first time alone, all without asking no one especially my mom to accompany me, my dream leaving my neighbourhood forever a day
i've dreamt everyday this for the last 10 years and even if it feels a distant objective, at least 1% chance exist of success
i really hope it will happen, it will gonna be difficult but i don't want to sit anymore in my room looking sadly outside the window waiting for the perfect time to come


next time i want to go in another park, i don't know where but the future looks brighter now.